Of Reconciliation. :)

I finally reconciled with the man that I thought I would hate my whole life. What was his mistake again? For not knowing a good thing when he has it. But who am I to dictate when or how a person sees the light or get a grip of his life? I am no one, exactly. Like what my therapist said, “save your drowning self first, Gee, that’s rule no.1 in surviving. Don’t play the martyr.”

I guess it is the bravest thing I ever did. To admit humbly that I am grateful because he rejected me. To admit that I grew up a lot since the last time we drifted apart. “I am dating again,” I told him nonchalantly. As usual, he did not show any expressive signs on his cool face. Again, pause on that sentence, I am over the stage where I sought his approval for what I did or long for that even tiniest flicker of his eye that told me he was troubled by me seeing other men. He doesn’t care, so why would I care what he thinks of it?

Am I sad that my first love ended like this? Yes and no. Like what I confessed to my therapist, it is a huge loss and sadness is never afar. But why mourn over the mysteries of God’s plan? Why fell and drowned myself in the anguish misery of frustration? Why be sad and anxious over the unknown tomorrow? Isn’t the present counts more?

No. I am not sad it ended like this. In fact, this could be a beginning of something. Do I need to define “something”? Nah, I let the events, choices and hopes I have define it.

Because what matter at the moment to me are these three things that I am sure of;

One, I am proud of myself. Fats, freaky choices and all. I am even proud of the woman in me who can say to the man that once, she was afraid of losing, “Sure, you don’t want me, so?”

Two, I love my daughter. When you have a lovely daughter like Safra, you could not stop being thankful to God for still having faith in making me a mom.

Three, I am sure whatever shitty predicaments that I had to endure in 2008 is a temp setback to prepare me for bigger things. So, why so sad, Shazeera? The music has just begun.