How I commit the social media suicide by deleting my Facebook account.

This write up is absolutely stupid. Trust me.

So what if I don't?

“Hey Alt,” I twit my best buddy.

“I want to commit the FB suicide..” She grew quiet for a moment. She knew how bad was my condition since I went  cold turkey over a certain man. She asked whether I stalked the guy on Facebook with the intention of making his life miserable. I said No. I was just busy blocking and unblocking him from my list.

“And after unblocking a person, you need another 48h hours before you can block him back, I used the 48 hours to reconsider my act of unblocking him.”

I get no answer for my academic explanation on how the privacy setting of Facebook works. That’s because my best buddy is not that crazy, I assume.

“So when are you going to commit your Facebook suicide?” She asked earnestly. I told her perhaps in the next few minutes. “I need the loo first,” I said. She consoled me that she will be there in time to “hold my hand” when I took the cyber life of my Facebook. I appreciated the concern and went off to the loo.

“When I came back, I saw Alt’s  Gtalk messages dominating my computer screen. “Why you took so long?” She asked. I swore she sounded a bit anxious. I told her I met some colleagues on the way and stopped to talk to them. Apparently, I am taking this whole suicide business lightly.

As I browsed my Facebook account lovingly, I realized this is the right thing to do. I clicked on the Setting segment and look for the “Deactivate” button. There it was. The Death Button. Except that Facebook incorporate  some guilt politics in the deactivation procedure. Before I can clicked on the button, I was asked several questions that made me reconsider my decision to deactivate because 1-some of the questions involve personal choice and life philosophy, 2-because there were just too many questions that you got fed up reading and forgot what you wanted to do in the first place.

I finally closed my eyes and clicked the death button. Nothing happened to me. Wait, nothing happened at all. My facebook account is still alive. I checked the wifi connection and swore. The connection was down!

Arghhhh! “It’s still alive!” I shouted in exasperation. I told Altaf and she ended up laughing. I waited for a few minutes and started the ceremony all over again. This time around, it worked!  I was returned to the Homepage of Facebook  as my account is finally R.I.P.

Minutes later, Altaf  Gtalked me.

“Your FB…its still around!!” OMG. This is one stubborn death victim.

“You mean my FB now is a cyber zombie?” I tried to login and realized I could still enter my account.

Finally, I realized I subconsciously deactivated my FB account with the hope of resurrecting my account one day. I reassured myself that I have to be strong. So with a firm heart, I deleted my account and sighed in relief.

Alt wrote an orbituary for the death of my FB on Twitter. I was mourning the whole day, as well.

But guess what? There is such thing as reincarnation!

For a shorter version  of this madness, click here.

Of Facebook and Campus Elections!

So, 5 students that were disqualified from winning the election, faced the music because they were campaigning on Facebook?

The attempt at policing social media network continues. Big Time.

It is not surprising that the university authorities are realizing the power of the internet especially in expediting change. But it is a shame that the universities are seeing the use of internet by students especially those they don’ t really prefer (and prefer IS a mild word here), is threatening their nice plan for dictating campus politics.

What a contradiction when the campus universities, albeit opposition from various sectors on their use of e-voting that was viewed by many as not transparent, carried on with their plan to embrace the new technology.

Technology is not as free as people claim it to be then.

Why don’t the universities just allow both student groups, the Pro-Mahasiswa and Pro-Govt. to utilize the power and potential of social media network as part of their campus political strategy. It is bad already that students are sterilized (at the surface, I must say. You have naughty students like me and a few others that ignore the regulations) from showing support or affiliating themselves to any political parties or trade unions. Can’t they even try to ally themselves with the latest technology in town as a way to develop political creativity and leadership competency?

If the university is sour over the victorious use of Facebook by the supposedly Anti-Establishment students, say boo to the Pro-Govt. students for not being internet-savvy.

Rely on the young people, folks!

Today, the BN and PR young fellas issued a joint statement condemning the series of attacks and provocations on places of worships around the country prior to the court decision on the use of the term “Allah” by the Herald Tribune.

I can only nod my head in excitement and happiness.

It is a good start that young people from both party can see eye to eye and agree on something. But, let us not just stop there.

There are instigators of chaos scott free among us and it remains a problem.

So, the spirit is good but we are looking forward to concrete actions to bring the culprits to justice.

I don’t want to spoil the party but I would like to wait and see what happens next.

Saturday is Activism Day!

My Saturday was full, to say the least. It started off with going to the market with Safra where her curiosity over the squids was too much for the fish vendor and me to handle. Next we clean the small patch of lawn we have. By 3pm, I will have to meet one of the Kajang Triad as we were going to be involved in the Tali Tenang Project. I thought my strings were the loveliest. One had my organization’s website with a couple of suns and rambows dangling from it. Safra helped me colored the suns with me doing some real damage control at 2 am at night. The other one has the word PEACE on the string. The idea is to have everyone bringing their strings and to tie their strings together. Then everyone will hold the long string and walked from Bangsar LRT Station to the Bangsar Sports Stadium. We did not finish the walk though. We have to rush to Dataran Selera Angkasa to participate in Persatuan Mahasiswa Islam UM’s indie band concert! Yeah, you read that right. The PMIUM organized a concert with rock bands not nasyid groups! You must be curious why I am making a fuss out of this but to me this is a welcoming change from the group. Putting aside whether the gig was anything to shout about, I think the very idea to have it was a positive sign that the Islamic student front is open to other form of ways to engage people from other sectors of the society and that they rock too! The day has not really ended on a happy note. We knew that 9 university students were arrested during a demonstration they did in Jalan Raja Laut. 3 of them were still in there when we got to IPD Dang Wangi. Human Rights lawyers, Latheefa and Puspa were there to accompany the arrestees during the recording of cautioned statement but an argument ensued between the police and the lawyers when the laywers were trying to tell their clients not to give incriminating evidences to the police.I wonder if the police afforded any time to the lawyers to have some private discussion with their client before the recording proceeded. Or maybe the student activists should be well prepared on how to deal with police in situations like this next time. Me and the Sister to the Kajang Triad headed home at around 12.30 am after a full day outside. I recall the small walk in Bangsar, the brief excursion in Kampung Baru for prayers and dinner, the concert in the middle of the congested flat area of Bukit Kerinchi plus those familiar faces down at the Dang Wangi IPD. I might just get used to this new job after all.;). Have a nice weekend, I have to go and wash the aquarium now!

Ode to my reluctant friendships

I have been cutting people off from my life lately. Burn more bridges than ever, Shut down my FB and limit my social media network activities. I was even thinking of changing the name of my blog to something else. I am not happy or proud with what I did and am doing. But I have to and that makes it even harder.

My level of anxiety is plunging, I think. My cycle with the black dog had not been taking place for a long time as I deal with it by performing prayers and focusing more time on my child. It works, Alhamdulilah but still, at the back of my mind, there are things in life that will scar you forever. There will still be an event here or a memory there that called out to the black dog. Sometimes, the black dog just turned around and walk away, sometimes I have no choice or will power but to succumb.

It is sad as well when your whole life, your friends have specific expectations from you. And when you don’t really fulfill these expectations, conflict arises. Unconditional friendship is very rare nowadays that I am ultimately relieved to have at least two who stay on with me, were still able to withstand and accept those days when the dog escapes and I have to battle it. It is fair to say that  not everybody can understand you and there are times when a friend could not understand what you have been going through or assuming they know better by just analyzing the surface. During those times, the urge to burn bridges were so high that I only felt the remorse of my decision later on.

Like now.

It is not regret but remorse. When I have that split second rest from work and my mind was on an intermission, I began to realize how lonely I am and how I need people who understand me and love and like me unconditonally to be here for me. During these times, I will be missing my friends so much.

To those who might fall in the category of friends I deleted from my messy life, I am deeply sorry. I just need to regain my peaceful mind. I am as you know, always here for all of you. To those who trivialize my condition, maybe you just don’t know me that well. Don’t worry, not many know me that well too and they still get on with life. Even those who know me so well can hurt me so much. So, like they said- we hurt those who are closest to us the most.

I don’t know if our path will cross again. Or opportunities come up for us to reunite again.

But I also know and am preparing myself to the fact that we might not be friends as we used to be as well.

On the power of “0″ vs. “16″

Pinjam from V Magazine. Hehe.

I am always fascinated with how women body could evoke powerful response from the society. Remember the bra evolution which is just as crucial as Darwin ’s evolution of species. Not forgetting the bulimic scandal or other eating disorders that women suffered from just in order to fit in. The cosmetic industry, the body slimming services and the beauty care line. These are all targeting at women as consumers. But they do not operate on their own. They have social perceptions, market prospects and the  consumerist culture to help them “win the game”.

So was the recent debates  on  the Curvy vs. Slim.  Two models died out of aneroxia nervosa recently. Its not Size Zero anymore, its Ultra Skinny.  Selfridge, a clothing line that used to have cloth sizes for women like me will be dropping their plus sized line as well. That got many plus sized women angry. Don’t forget our lovely skinny  icon, Kate Moss remarking on how good it feels to be skinny weeks ago. The whole Size Zero vs. Plus Sized Model debate is getting a lot more spiteful as well. Recent visits to fashion e-forums exposed how skinny girls are being defensive over their diet. Their I-eat-everything-but-my-metabolism-is-high argument was made in rebutting accusations that they are having an unhealthy way of life or that they succumbed to the size zero pressure.On the other side, I came across “fat pigs” or ” you are not so healthy yourself” remarks. Perhaps, we all overlook the fact that all of us come in a variety of sizes and we are getting a bit pissed off because we are not really seen as a great market for these fashion designers, so to speak in capitalist mood.

Twiggy was a hit during that time because most of the women during that era is beefier or curvier than she is. The Mod chicks were actually voluptuous ladies. But of course, being skinny was seen as a marketable thing.

Being a Size 14/16 myself, I had shared in my previous posting how frustrating it is to find good lovely plus sized cloths in the market. Perhaps the strategy now is to push for more plus sized models on the runways and in the catalogues. Let ‘em fashion designers debated about the glory of clothing a mini Kate Moss as oppose to a Queen Latifah. The dynamics I hope would influence the production of cloths and provide more range for us, the curvy bunch. Let’s pray for the tyranny of Size Zero to fall and give way to fashion for everybody in size 4, 6 or 12. Let’s have more Jean Paul Gaultiers. Let’s call this Dialectic Materialism meets Vivienne Westwood.

Meanwhile, let me present to you some gorgeous spreads from V Magazine on Crystal Renn, the super delicious plus sized model. More than just the fact that she has sexy curves, my admiration goes to the fact that she has enough confidence and style to pull it off from a tight skinny jean to a swimsuit.

So, how about pulling a Renn* this year?

*pulling a Renn-embracing one’ curvy lines as oppose to trying soooo hard to lose them.

Of Speaker Corner and Freedom of Expression in Universities

Photo taken from Pro-Mahasiswa Blog.

It was circa 2002. I was still an active member of the University Malaysia Islamic Student Association or PMIUM. Hence, that means longer hijab, less colorful garments but still in my dirty converse. I was selected  to be one of the three main speakers to officiate the UM Speaker’s Corner at my college. I was both excited and wary. Few weeks back, the Tiong Hua Language Association’ s request to hold their Moon Lantern Festival was rejected by the University. So much for National Unity. The Chinese students were of course unhappy with the authority’s decision but we all realized how authoritarian university administrators are. And the reformasi spirit was still alive and burning. More university students got up and resist the government.

There were also other issues looming on campus ground. The actions against the USM team who wanted to participate in an international debate competition in Beijing, I think, the prolonging trial of the ISA7, the constant harassment we get for being vocal for what we believe in. So, the announcement made to re-introduce Speaker’s Corner during that time was seen as timely and warmly welcomed, amid slight skepticism over the University’s strange generosity to afford us some space for dissent.

But not before I was gently reminded not to be too critical. During that time, I was straddling both world-that is I belonged to a group viewed as subversive by the unversity but at the same time, I am one of the university top debaters. They wanted me to be one of the speakers for the launch of the speakers’ s corner because of my mainstream reputation, though they feared that my reputation as a student activist would be more apparent to the crowd. I was told to talk about milder things on campus. This was after all, just a Launch, one of the HEP Officer said. But what milder things? I asked him back? He backed off, reminding me about how I let my tongue went overboard when I was in my first year, asking the ACA to investigate Rafidah Aziz for her “trading activities” and that because I had a good reputation in the Residential College and University, I should maintain the good rapport I had with the Student Affairs Department despite my “tarnished” first year reputation .

That evening, I remembered putting on a very colorful silk baju kurung. I wanted to demonstrate the diversity of the university students through the dress that I was wearing. I was first to present my speech. I went up on the podium and looked towards the VIP section. I felt nauseous upon exchanging glances with my College ’s Supervisor. The idea to be there on the podium to express myself felt so superficial. I breathed deeply and opened my speech with a nervous smile.

As I planned, I did not just talk about Diversity and National Unity. I talked about the recent case in our own backyard; The University’s decision to cancel the PBT’s Moon Lantern Festival. I saw the glare from my Supervisor but the fear immediately diminished when I saw some nods of approval from my fellow friends and total strangers in the crowd. I recovered my courage and expanded my speech to  other incidents in the campus which no one wanted to talk about because it was sensitive or inappropriate- according to the University’s unreasonable benchmark. When I came down, the applause was not at all deafening. It was the sounds of uncertain hand claps. None came from the VIP Section. Was I waiting for that, even? I don’t think so.

And oh by the way, I was not slapped with any fines or warnings for what I said. I guessed the good publicity the Launching of the Speaker Corner received, saved me to a certain extent.

I recalled this bittersweet memory of being there, on the podium of the speaker’s corner in conjunction with Dato’ Seri Mohamed Khaled Nordin’s recent announcement to reintroduce speaker’s corner in all universities. If he wanted to continue the effort in the tradition of the 60s where speaker corners become a catalyst for students to be critical and pioneer progressive idealism and socio-political movement, by all means go ahead.

But from I read, he wanted to provide a platform for  students to speak their mind as an alternative to joining illegal rallies or assemblies outside campus. I think his opinion is misplaced. He should understand that both are forms of freedom of expression that stands on its own and do not override one another. He must also understand that it is more fearful and misleading to have a speaker’s corner for students when you are constantly monitoring the content of their speech, for example, vetting the topics to be touched by the students in their speeches, thinking you are doing democracy and human rights a great deal.

I remembered how strong and good it makes me feel about myself when I was able to express my views on the podium. But that was not in absence of deep unspoken feeling of fear that my right to express my opinion is qualified and very much depended on the authority’s consent and discretion. I hope the Minister will have more faith in the students to use the speaker’s corner for the greater good of the country and not to ignite such idea with the prospect of wining some popular points  or treating uni students as tokens.

To all university students, what are you waiting for? Speak up!

Of The Guppies and Safra

We did'nt get those. The Mother said this bunch of fish is kinda comatose.

It was yet another lazy Sunday. After a full Saturday of exploring Tasek Permaisuri Park with Safra (She squished a few innocent grasshoppers on the way, too) and a  business meeting in the evening, I looked forward to spending Sunday on the bed or on the sofa, or in any of my home’s demography. The Mother a.k.a Safra’s Grandma called on Saturday night and informed me that she wanted to get some toilet items from IKEA plus she has a major surprise for her grand daughter.

“Is it a car with some unknown brands?” I asked excitedly.

“Oh, c’mon girl. Get your license and we will talk about cars”.

So, the surprise was actually a trip to the Pets World. She was getting Safra the aquarium she promised. Safra was beyond ecstatic. She could swallow all the hamsters at one go due to her euphoric state. When I said “Wan is getting you the aquarium…yeah!!!!”, she just yeah-ed along.

The salt water aquarium looked tempting and knowing how close The Mother is to Safra, I bet she wouldn’t mind getting one of those cute starfish for Safra. But after a while, my daughter vanished from my side. She was running towards the end of the shop where they keep the kittens. Safra loves Kitties. But toddlers her age only have two ways of showing their love to their pets. One-to let it stay alive for a long time or two-to squeeze the fur ball to death. I am afraid that Safra would fall under category B. She jumped up and down, pushing her face flat to the glass of the cage. A cute spotted Persian kitty is having a nap, all curled on her bed. I looked upwards and saw the price tag. The kitty is RM1K, almost the same price with my mas kahwin. How ridiculous is that?

I said a firm no and Safra sulked. She stayed fixed in front of the cage, hoping THAT would soften my heart. It did not work. I left her and went to look for the right kind of fish with the right kind of price for her. The Mother had already chosen two pairs of colorful guppies, a few nice aqua plants, the stones and the whole work.

As I suspected, when we reached my home, I was responsible of setting up the whole aquarium on my own. Everyone else was busy eating their cheese tarts and lazing around while I slaved in the bathroom, cleaning all the materials.

Safra has been sitting in front of the aquarium for eons since last evening. She was in awe looking at the fishes swimming amongst the plants. But I could not understand why she kept on asking for cups and cups of water from me. When I asked her, she said she wanted to drink it. I gave her the third cup but with enough suspicion that she was filling up the tank with more water.

My guess was totally wrong. She was indeed drinking the water while mimicking the movement of the fish’s mouth.

“Ikan minum air, Afa pun nak minum” She said curtly as she gulped the last drop of water from her cup.

Well, I guess from learning more about aquatic lives, the guppies are instilling good habit in my kiddo- that is to drink her water enough if not overdose!

Of Being Less for More.

Ernest Hemingway’s 6 Words Story on the baby shoes is damn scary without even have to describe any gory or bloody details. So they said, less is more.
In dedication to that minimalist tradition, I hereby introduce my latest “twitblog” where I will try to describe the stories of my life in just 6 words.

I think this will be an awesome challenge too.

Check out the blog here.

Of getting in to the Blues/FRINJAN-ing

What do you do when you are all down and melancholic? Or when you realized that your boredom is threatening your sanity? Well, let me share with you what I did when moi,  for the umpteenth time, scored really low in the emotion control department. After attempting a third  incommunicado with the same person and  rejecting a pinangan and breaking a man’s heart in the process, I just feel like I need a major break.  I was weepy for the whole week and after realizing how unattractive the huge bags under my eyes are, I decided to give this emotion turmoil a stop. But instead of  getting myself overdose on the endorphin (re: choc solution) or immortalize the person who broke my heart in a crappy song, I chose to just do these two simple things:

ONE-I do blog chain-smoking reading

If you think I will be reading Roland Barthe’s Lover’s Discourse, then, you are absolutely wrong. Nor did I watch 500 Days with Summer. That will kill me instantly as well. So, I actually read something more uplifting and motivating like this avant garde peep into the life of a hot Korean look alike super swinger who also happens to front a local band. Or this awesome site that gives you alternative perspectives on the simple things in life through his own graphic works or photographs. And if you want to see how sucked some other people’s life are and feel better about yours later, check out this one, as well.

TWO- I check out the latest happening spots in Lembah Klang.

Yeah. This worked as well. I was in the middle of repeating “Von” for the 5th time, when my friends dragged me out to catch the Blue Wednesday and a week later, Pekan FRINJAN. Blue Wednesday is a project  initiated by the Annexe to give space to indie bands to perform their materials live at the Annexe. It is happening every first Wednesday of the month. This time around, the Stoned Revival, the Deserters and the Panda Head Curry gave us a dose of brilliant live music in a 2 hour and 45 minutes show. My vote for the most kick ass performance that night will go to the Revival’s psychedelic sound with the Pandas coming close in second. If only they remember the lyrics to their songs !

Pekan FRINJAN, on the other hand, is a small carnival happening at Dataran Shah Alam every first Saturday of the month. Expect surprises at the stalls where you could find those self published fanzines, rare music cds, jeweleries and hey, some free legal advice from the legal aiders. Expect surprises from the gig’ s line up too. You get poets reading their own works, improvised street theater or underground seniors like Carburator Dung or Couple. When I went to check out the scene the first time, Nurul Schmurul was there as well, reciting a Chairil Anwar’s work. Way to go, Izzah! Check out the lady in action.

To make things even better, do enjoy this with your friends. Don’t go alone. And trust me, everything will be alright, OK?

To the rest of the heartbroken population, let’s exchange notes on how to mend our broken hearts, shall we?